You know that time when you have so much to say, so very much to say indeed, but you feel as if nothing can come out in any form of logic or rationale whatsoever? So you shun the computer and push away the keyboard because you simply cannot bring yourself to just start.
Well I'm here, I'm starting. Now for a break, need to go grab some iced peppermint green tea with honey. Local honey. Yum.
... and after more interruptions of phone calls and other insanity, we are back. Goodness. Even the serene and beautiful solo piano music in the background is having a hard time calming my overly stressed spirit tonight.
I have been teetering on the edge of complete and total shutdown, back and forth, for quite a few days now. Thoughts of spending the rest of our savings on renting a one-way u-haul, packing up what little we have of the house that we actually want to keep, packing up our family and all the four-leggeds and just driving... and wherever we run out of gas or money or food whichever comes soonest, is the place we stay. Just a complete and total start-over, anew. Haha. What ridiculousness, I know, but at some point even that level of desperation sounds attractive in comparison to what I feel I have been going though lately. Good thing we don't actually have the money to really do that, because in my time of quietness, I know it would not be the right thing, so once again, God is good and knows how to keep us within the "aids".
The list is very long of things that are stressing me and none of them are really worth getting into, because regardless of the exact circumstances in my life, we all know the feeling when you get to the point where you say, there is one thing, one last thing that simply cannot happen, and if that one thing happens, I am absolutely going to QUIT IT ALL! And yet how very scary it is that that one thing could actually happen.
I was unable to find peace in my spirit for several days in a row. I found myself on the edge of pure rage over things that should never incite my rage. But I was there. Right there. I knew it, but I could do nothing to find peace. I found myself believing the subtle lies... "*I* should NEVER have to put up with this. *I* am SO ABOVE having to deal with this. *I* am SO TIRED of bending over and taking it up the behind for other people's lack of (-whatever-) and I FINALLY GOING TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I. AM. DONE. WITH BEING TREATED LIKE LIKE THIS!!"
Yet the Spirit would bring me back and tell me to stay. Stay. Stay in the pressure and not to escape. He wouldn't say why. He wouldn't give a reason. He would just say, stay. And for that brief moment I would say, yes Lord, I will stay. And about 30 minutes later something else would happen and I would find myself choking back the rage that about to spew forth from my mouth in a violent display of self preservation because once again I would lose sight of what was actually happening.
I was in pain, yes, oh, so much pain. My physical muscles were to the point of exhaustion, but my spiritual muscles were in pure agony. And it would seem to anyone standing by that if I did blow up and finally let those circumstances and those people HAVE IT, that I would have been beyond fully justified. How could ANYONE be expected to take all this pressure and submit to it with humility? It was beyond reasonable expectation.
But yes, those were more lies. And again I would say to the Spirit, I submit my will to you. And responding in humility is always the right answer.
And this is why you need to develop your ability to hear the Spirit talking. Because he does not talk loud and he does not prevent you from making the wrong choice. He talks quietly, softly, and when you are this close to breaking out in rage, he is hard to hear. And even harder to believe that what he says to do is the right way to respond.
My horses even knew my heart was in turbulence, because they each responded to me accordingly. Sammy disconnected. Big Bird became fractious. The kids at the barn stayed out my way. I realized I could not ride until I found peace because no matter how trained my physical body was, it could not fool them for my tumultuous emotions were speaking far too loudly.
When I rode Drama one evening, I knew nothing was really going to get accomplished but he needed the exercise, so while I sat on his back and walked around the arena, with the dusk settling in and nobody around, I cried. I just cried. And I let out everything that was on my heart. From the loss of my two precious babies (of which I am reminded that I would have been 8 months pregnant with baby 3 this month) to the hopeless situation that is our finances and our future of having a place of our own.
However, it was during my ride on Big Bird that I began to put the pieces together to see a glimpse of the bigger picture. God spoke to me using the picture I have always been able to understand and receive, from the back of a horse, an analogy perfectly painted for me.
I have watched BB struggle to let loose of his anxiety and pride, to trust me as his rider, and have watched him grow and develop as I have been able to cultivate his ability to respond to aids and boundaries. As his rider I want to control more of his body to empower him to use himself in a way he doesn't yet fully realize or understand. While at some point in his life he may have gloried in his strength and speed and ability to hold his own in a world of racehorses, he now feels as if he is losing himself and all his past to a future that is confusing, frightening and unknown. Yet I desire to bring him more peace and empowerment than he ever thought possible with a new career. And in doing so I place pressure appropriate for his ability, a little more each time. But at each new stage with new pressures and new confinements he cries out and reacts in ways to let me know that he is uncomfortable and doesn't understand. Did he not do enough before? Has he not shown himself to be smart, capable, talented? What is all this new pressure about? How much more can I really expect of him? When is enough, enough?
And yet how little does he know that what I have with him now is only a drop in the bucket to what I have hopes for in the future.
And these are exactly the words my heart is crying out to the Lord. When is enough, enough? Have I not shown you, Lord, to be faithful, obedient? Have I not proven myself in the past to submit to you, even when it is hard, and have I not seen your release? Where is your release this time?
My releases on BB were quick and easily given at first. They were for simple things. Now things are more difficult, more complex. And the release is not given as quickly because instead of one step, I want three. And then after three I would like five, and so forth. It is hard work and I admire him, even in his struggle, how much he is trying to learn how to keep searching for the release and to stay within the pressure.
Jesus is cultivating more of me, utilizing more of me, and that is why the tremendous pressure. That is why I feel as if I am being surrounded by rocks and hard places everywhere I turn, and that is why I feel my rage come to a head so easily because I am being squeeeezzzzeeeeedd...... but like I don't want BB to burst and say I QUIT, I want him to submit with more intensity, more diligence, more energy... because I want more of his body, soul and spirit captivated with my plan, just as the Lord wants me to be with Him. When the pressure is on, I give more deeply, yes, stretching those spiritual ligaments and muscles right to the point of breaking and back again. Because I have asked him to do something wondrous with my life. And even though at the time it may seem as if certain "people" "problems" or "cirumstances" are the issue, they are only the unique ways God is using to develop me. And I have to keep my eyes on that.
Here I am, Lord. Use me. I choose not to quit and I purpose to take this unbelieveable amount of pressure from every angle I find myself in, as opportunities to say YES to you with more passion, energy, and dilligence.
Peace. Amidst the pressure. Within the pain.