where the rubber meets the road

James did make a concerted effort to bring things back to the table with me yesterday, only about 26 hours into the "fight".  This is an improvement, actually.  And without reading my blog at all, because he didn't know it even existed yet, he on his own got under the computer desk and cleaned it up entirely, organized and beautiful.  I keep looking down there because it looks so great, really, because there's nothing to look at!  No cords, wires, plugs, adapters, cables... nothing. 

Although James brought our discussion back to the table, it wasn't fully resolved... which is fine.  I just want to know that he will keep pursuing it as things become clearer to him.  He pulls away and goes off to his cave to think, and then he will come back.  I told him that I just need him to communicate with me that he will, when all is is said and done, come back and continue to pursue to full resolution.  And he's a good guy so I know he will.  For he fully well knows that if he doesn't, I will hunt him down, kill him, and eat him for dinner.  :)

I rode Sammy yesterday and I realized how much I like being on the back of a horse, almost as much as I like saltwater, sun and sand.  I love the places my thoughts go; my ponderings and musings about life, relationships, personal growth.  Things just make a lot more sense.  There is such a connection between physical activity and the brain.  I have made it to the pool every day with JJ this week, and I have worked out myself every day this week.  JJ is a completely different boy when he has a steady stream for physical outlet, using large muscle movement in a rhythmic way.  That is why I like swimming, cycling, running and riding so much too.  It makes me determined, motivated, creative, tolerant of the daily crap that otherwise can get the better of me.  This is the type of week where I pat myself on the back and say, "I'm so motivated, I clean the shower while I'm in it!"  I have ideas and inventions come into my head, I have seemingly limitless energy and creativity. 

I met mom at her work to drop off JJ for her to take home for the afternoon while I taught other lessons.  I watched one of my students completely fall apart the harder I pushed her, she simply could not cope with everything and her response was to fall apart.  She even laughed and called herself stupid.   This is the same girl I started charging her a dime every time she said "I'm sorry".  She must say "I'm sorry" over a thousand times a day, no joke.  Even when I pretended exasperation and exclaimed, "STOP saying 'I'm sorry!'  My goodness!"  she immediately tucked her neck and said, "I'm sorry!"  Now I just say, "Thirty cents.  Forty cents.  Fifty cents."  Half the time she emits this sigh and says, "I didn't realize I just said that."  I told her, "Your obsessive apologies mean one of two things; you have no opinion, or two, you have no confidence.  And I definitely know you have an opinion, and I also know you are pretty confident, so really, you have nothing to apologize for!"

I told my students that to have someone push them in a wise way is not a sign that they are doing something wrong or that they are being punished.  It is a sign of belief, an expression of confidence, a vote of trust that they can excel, that they can DO it, that they can achieve.  I tell my kids this all the time.  I push you because I believe in you.  I take the risk because I know you can do it.  I stand behind you because I am confident you will excel. 


When lessons were done I drove to the Plant City Y to hopefully try to go swimming.  I have tried to swim every night this week and three nights the pool was closed for the storms, and one night I got 4 laps in before the pool closed for a storm.  So I have run on the treadmill instead, which is all fine and all but I really have had my heart set on swimming at some point.  Tonight was no different, I drove as fast as I could to the Y and when I got there, the minute I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a mass exodus from the pool area and I knew they were closing due to the weather.  So I started on the treadmill instead and the longer I went, the more terrible I felt.  Then I started thinking, what did I eat today?  I couldn't come up with much besides tangerine juice, a handful of peanuts and a coffee from Starbucks.  Haha.  I realized I kept thinking all day, okay, I need to eat... and then something would come up and I'd forget about it.  So as I kept running on the treadmill I started feeling worse and worse, and then at three miles I was having a blood sugar drop really quickly so I got off, changed and went to my mom's to pick up JJ.  I think I just took whatever she had in her fridge, put it between two slices of bread and ate that.  But the rest of the night I felt exhausted because it's hard to recover from that huge of a crash.  Mom mentioned that JJ felt warm and that's usually the first sign when he starts to get sick, although he was acting fine. 

JJ fell asleep on the way home so I immediately put him to bed, washed the dishes and then got ready to go to bed myself.  However, when I was washing the dishes he woke up again and started playing with a ball in the living room.  I grabbed a bag of pretzel sticks and took him back to bed and lay there with him while he ate his sticks, but then he threw up and it got onto everything, including the mattress.  I started the loads of wash and then had to clean up and blow dry the mattress.  Then we wrestled and tickled in bed for another hour until he fell asleep.  He definitely had a steady fever at that point and slept horribly through the night, resulting in me not getting much sleep at all. 

Today I had kids in the barn all day.  We didn't get a whole lot done, it was just one of those days. I did tell James as part of a discussion, that I really needed him to show more aggression about his pursuit of problems that come up between us.  Today we were having a minor argument and at the very second I go to shove some chips into my mouth, he jumps across the room and bear hugs me, smashing the chips into my face, all over my shirt and the floor.  Not exactly what I had in mind but I like the progress.